SCRIPTSHARK

Type of Material: Screenplay Title: SCAM (REDRAFT)

Number of Pages: 126 Author: Agent Cooper

Submitted By: Triggerstreet Circa: Present

Submitted To: ScriptShark Location: City

Analyst: Genre: Thriller

LOG LINE: Three young man are duped into stealing drugs from a dangerous gang by two lesbians plotting to betray a gangster one of them is married to.

	Excellent	Good	Fair	Poor	Budget
Idea			X
Story Line			X		High
Characterization			X		Medium
Dialogue			X		Low	X
Production Value			X

THE SHARK GRID:

MECHANICS	Excellent	Solid	Needs Work	Re-Think	N/A
Action lines clearly and concisely manifest visual action and literal context.		X
Scenes avoid the problem of continuing beyond optimal length.			X
Spelling, grammar, and proofreading.		X
Page count.			X
The script’s physical presentation.		X
Dialogue.			X
The script effectively manifests a compelling theme and adheres to it throughout the story.			X

CHARACTER	Excellent	Solid	Needs Work	Re-Think	N/A
The protagonist clearly manifests both internal and external goals.			X
The protagonist has consistent opposition to his/her goals.			X
The protagonist is sympathetic and/or engages our emotional investment.			X
The protagonist clearly changes / has an arc.			X
The supporting characters are unique and add value to the story.			X
All of the characters are authentic to their backgrounds.			X
The script has an effective antagonistic force, direct or indirect.			X

STRUCTURE:	Excellent	Solid	Needs Work	Re-Think	N/A
The script has a strong structural foundation that serves the story, classic three-act structure or otherwise.			X
Plots and subplots work together.			X
The set-up is concise, and effective.			X
The story has well-designed reversals.			X
Transitions are effective and appropriate to the story.			X
Every scene has relevance.			X
The story includes an effective dramatic climax / payoff.			X
The setup is resolved effectively.			X
A catalytic situation drives the plot.		X
Dramatic conflict and tension build across scenes, throughout the plot.			X

MARKET VALUE	Excellent	Solid	Needs Work	Re-Think	N/A
Originality / freshness.			X
The story has a clearly defined target audience.			X
The story clearly has mass audience (universal) appeal.			X
The story includes a conceptual “hook” that could potentially be used to effectively market the film.			X

PRODUCTION VALUE	Excellent	Solid	Needs Work	Re-Think	N/A
The lead character is castable / has star appeal.			X
The visual arena of the script is stimulating.		X
The project has International appeal.		X

COMMENTS:

SCAM was an interesting reading experience. Within three pages, this reader’s gut reaction was “Great another ‘drug deal gone wrong’ movie with Tarantino-style dialogue.” The thought passed through this reader’s head that if he had a nickel for every one of these he’s read, he’d be a rich man. Then there was a passing thought that for some reason these movies always star Jason Statham. Then, on page 7, just as this was about to jot down a note about the expositional dialogue playing better than it normally does in these films, the character Statham showed up.

To say that this reader did not have high hopes for the script at that point would be a severe understatement.

Yet, somehow, most the first act manages to rally and pull victory from the jaws of defeat. This reader really didn’t like how the first full ten pages are little more than two characters talking and spelling out the plot. There’s no preamble to this, just “Here’s the exposition, folks.” It works better than it should only because the visual descriptions are short, succinct and flow well. It’s a montage where the visuals tell the story as much as the dialogue does. Usually when first-time writers try this, it’s pretty clear the visuals are just thrown in to break up the dialogue on the page. The script might have been served better by an opening scene that didn’t wear its exposition on its sleeve.

In any event, once that set-up was out of the way, Jonathan, Daz and Steveo put their plan into action and this reader found himself rather amused by them. The banter was clearly from the Tarantino School of writing, but it lacked the pretension that most of those rip-offs have. By p. 15, the audience is both going to be onboard with that style or check out, and this reader was willing to see where it went. It did seem a bit strange that Statham would be needed to separate out the clean money from the dirty money, and during the first pass that felt like a weak contrivance. Since this turns out to be a lie, it works. The audience just needs to believe that Jonathan is that gullible, and that seems true to the character.

The first flashback on p. 16 was a little jarring. The rewind gimmick feels like a tired gag at this point. It was fresh in Rules of Attraction, and this reader found it telling that though he’s seen it in several other movies, he’d be hard-pressed to name one of them. Straight-up cutting might work better, as each successive rewind felt more and more intrusive. In any event from here, we get “Kelly’s story” which really feels more like Jonathan’s story of how Kelly set him up. The script returns to the present on p. 25, as the guys try to figure out what to do. Steveo mentions the Sharks, and – BAM – rewind 2 starts.

Right there is where this script lost this reader. This note is offered not to be harsh, but to point out a significant structural problem.

In Jurassic Park, there’s a mention that John Hammond is present at the birth of each dinosaur because they imprint on the first living creature they see. Think of your audience – be they a reader, an agent or just a filmgoer – as that dinosaur. They won’t imprint on literally the first character they meet, but by the end of the first act – really by the end of the first ten minutes – they’ll have a pretty strong feeling as to whose story this is. The major characters in the first 28 pages are: Steveo, Daz, Jonathan, Statham, Kelly and Susan. The story feels like it revolves around those three robbers, the guy they robbed, and the woman who set them up. Once the rewind happens on p. 28, the next time any of those character turn up again is Kelly on p. 52. It takes until p. 68 – 40 pages later – before Jonathan shows up again.

Once the story enters the second act, it feels like Nuke is suddenly the protagonist and the thrust of the story is all about Emily and Kelly working together to set up Nuke. Had the script started with that, this might have been a cool thread to follow. Instead, by follow three guys who are essentially patsies, the script is faced with starting back at square one in the second act. If you look at the better executions of this non-linear structure – such as Pulp Fiction and Go – you notice that they have a strong core group of characters throughout the script. At the very least, there are strong relationships between the stories. Even though Bruce Willis doesn’t turn up for a while in Pulp Fiction, Wallace is set up far in advance and Willis’s story is all about how he deals with Wallace. That sort of transition doesn’t exist here – the Sharks need to be mentioned some time ahead of the rewind, and in a meaningful way.

This reader’s advice would be to throw out the whole first act. It feels like the last ¾ of the story is dominated by Nuke, his actions and reactions. Let him be the star. His is a story that could probably work even without all the rewinds and the time-hopping. The better non-linear films are those that one can imagine being compelling even if it was told linearly, with the stories being intercut. Telling scenes out of order might add a different style in those cases, but it’s more than a gimmick to prop up a weak script. Here, with all the rewinds, it feels like the script is trying too hard to pull the rug out from the audience.

There are five rewinds in the story, plus several other flashbacks within those. At a certain point, the audience is going to be fatigued. It’s hard to pin an exact number on how many a writer should employ, but this reader is a fan of the rule of threes. Both Pulp Fiction and Go have three segments. Four might also work, but when the script is getting into five and six, that might be pushing it.

In short, here’s what works, at least in the broad sense – the Nuke story, Kelly and Emily’s scam, the plot to convince Nuke that Harris and Hunt are cops. Note the spine to all of this: Nuke. Since the script is 126 pages long, it can afford to lose a lot. Tossing out the first 28 pages and trimming down some other bits to keep the script lean in mean should result in a much better screenplay. As it stands now, the shift to Nuke in the second act could lose some viewers, and the choppy rewinds after that might turn them off entirely.