SCRIPTSHARK

Type of Material: Screenplay Title: DOWN IN THE BAYOU

Number of Pages: 107 Author: Kathren

Submitted By: Circa: Present

Submitted To: Location: Louisiana

Analyst: Genre: Animated/Family

LOG LINE: A rare white alligator escapes his fate at the hands of a poacher who’d skin him for boots and sets out on an adventure to find a wildlife preserve.

	Excellent	Good	Fair	Poor	Budget
Idea			X
Story Line		X			High
Characterization		X			Medium	X
Dialogue			X		Low
Production Value		X

THE SHARK GRID:

MECHANICS	Excellent	Solid	Needs Work	Re-Think	N/A
Action lines clearly and concisely manifest visual action and literal context.		X
Scenes avoid the problem of continuing beyond optimal length.			X
Spelling, grammar, and proofreading.		X
Page count.			X
The script’s physical presentation.		X
Dialogue.			X
The script effectively manifests a compelling theme and adheres to it throughout the story.		X

CHARACTER	Excellent	Solid	Needs Work	Re-Think	N/A
The protagonist clearly manifests both internal and external goals.		X
The protagonist has consistent opposition to his/her goals.			X
The protagonist is sympathetic and/or engages our emotional investment.		X
The protagonist clearly changes / has an arc.		X
The supporting characters are unique and add value to the story.		X
All of the characters are authentic to their backgrounds.		X
The script has an effective antagonistic force, direct or indirect.			X

STRUCTURE:	Excellent	Solid	Needs Work	Re-Think	N/A
The script has a strong structural foundation that serves the story, classic three-act structure or otherwise.			X
Plots and subplots work together.			X
The set-up is concise, and effective.			X
The story has well-designed reversals.			X
Transitions are effective and appropriate to the story.			X
Every scene has relevance.			X
The story includes an effective dramatic climax / payoff.			X
The setup is resolved effectively.		X
A catalytic situation drives the plot.		X
Dramatic conflict and tension build across scenes, throughout the plot.			X

MARKET VALUE	Excellent	Solid	Needs Work	Re-Think	N/A
Originality / freshness.			X
The story has a clearly defined target audience.		X
The story clearly has mass audience (universal) appeal.		X
The story includes a conceptual “hook” that could potentially be used to effectively market the film.		X

PRODUCTION VALUE	Excellent	Solid	Needs Work	Re-Think	N/A
The lead character is castable / has star appeal.			X
The visual arena of the script is stimulating.		X
The project has International appeal.		X

COMMENTS:

DOWN IN THE BAYOU happens to be one of those rare instances where a Triggerstreet submission is a script that this reader previously read as a regular ScriptShark submission. This clearly isn’t the same draft though. It’s seven pages longer, some character names have been changed and some scenes have clearly been rewritten and moved to different points in the script. This reader isn’t sure if this is that much of an improvement over the earlier draft, and it certainly doesn’t feel like a strong enough improvement to merit a Consider rating.

If these reviews have any regular readers, they’ll probably expect this next criticism. Animated movies are notoriously difficult for a first-timer to sell. The short reason is that most of the major animation companies develop all their ideas in-house. The first step to selling a script is getting an agent, and there are few agents who would invest the time on a long-shot first-time spec that was animated. For all this reader knows, this could be one of five scripts that the writer has. If that is indeed the case, there’s always the slim chance that a strong version of this script would be a good enough writing sample to get someone to read any other work the writer has. But, long story short – there aren’t going to be many buyers for this material.

Last time this reader had a fair amount of goodwill towards the script, but unfortunately the bloom seemed to be off the rose with this read. The length is becoming more of a concern. The script not only got longer, but moving Benoit’s introduction to the first act - without making many trims elsewhere within those scenes – resulted in it taking until p. 34 for Caddo to even get off the alligator farm. Then it still takes until p. 45 for him to decide to go to Honey Island. That’s a beat that has to come no later than the end of the first act. It’s the first active goal Caddo sets. Until then he’s merely been reacting to being teased by the others, to being penned up by Gat, and to surviving after the storm. The target length for an animated spec should be 90-95 pages. This also means that Act One should probably end at about p. 25. (Remember that short attention spans are common in your two target audiences – children and script-readers.) At a minimum, twenty pages should be cut from this draft.

It might be advisable to cut things even tighter than that and have Caddo’s escape happen as the story’s inciting incident. When you get down to it, there’s little for him to do on the farm except be born, be taunted as a freak and then get separated into his own pen so that Gat can fatten him up. At most, that could take ten minutes of screentime, with another five (at most) to introduce Benoit. A lot of this early exposition could be accomplished visually rather than with dialogue. Pixar’s Up recently did a wonderful job of visual storytelling early in the film. With a minimum of dialogue, the audience saw the main character meet his future wife, marry her, grow old with her, make all sorts of plans and dreams, and then lose her. Then, after a brief set of scenes that were dialogue-driven the film then covered some significant exposition with just a few visual shots: the old man alone in his home; the old man sitting outside court with a summons, his walk into the courtroom; a cop returning him home and giving him a brochure for an elderly living center. By that point in the film, the visuals told the story without any extraneous dialogue – save for one line from the cop that might very well have been added late in the process. Something similar could be done here and get Caddo locked up in his pen by p. 3 of the story.

In any event, this reader’s point is that the opening act could probably be a lot more efficient. The one thing that might justify spending 20 or so pages on the farm is if Caddo had to break out of his imprisonment himself. This reader gave a similar note last time, and would rather not repeat himself too much. It’s not a major point – kids won’t find the storm to be too convenient a plot development, and it’s questionable if Caddo would be able to plausibly break out on his own. (Certainly none of the other gators would help him escape.) This reader’s verdict is that if the storm is going to conveniently free him, have that happen by p. 15. If he’s going to have to work out his own escape, it’s okay to stretch that to p. 20-25.

Caddo is a likable, sympathetic character, but there’s something to be said for getting him off onto his adventure rather quickly. Benoit’s introduction could probably stand to get a few trims to it, but it does a good job of setting him and his quest up. Both characters have clearly defined goals, and there’s an antagonist in the form of Gat. It feels like Gat could be a little more of a threat than he seems here. His two appearances hunting down Caddo are rather similar. To give an overused note – why not raise the stakes the second time? Sure, it’s more dramatic that he’s about to nab them when they’re so close to freedom, but the script didn’t quite convey major tension there. This reader never doubted that Caddo would get away. Plus there’s the fact that his motivation is pretty similar to Cruella’s in 101 Dalmatians.

The various misadventures that the characters have on their way to Honey Island are all entertaining in their own way. Even though the events are somewhat episodic, there’s a certain sense of fun to them. This reader’s biggest problem is more or less something he remarked on in the previous coverage – it’s not quite funny enough. It couldn’t be clearer that Benoit is supposed to be the wacky Disney-eque sidekick ala Sebastian the Crab in The Little Mermaid, Timon and Pumba in The Lion King, or Dorie in Finding Nemo. The writer gets the personality and the archetype right, but the dialogue is a little shy of the big belly laughs that are often the hallmark of those characters. Benoit should be the character that five year-olds come out of the movie quoting. He doesn’t quite jump off the page here. The writing gives him a good arc, some surprising depth and some admirable traits. He just needs to be funnier. There’s also the issue of his encounter with the Cook being very similar to an adventure Sebastian has in The Little Mermaid. The script ends up there logically, and it resonates with Benoit’s arc in a completely different way thematically… but a five year-old might not get that. They’ll just see an extremely similar scene. (Whether or not they’d care is a completely different matter. Critics are more likely to make an issue of that moment than kids.)

This reader is loathe to leave the impression that just a few fixes will result in a consider, only because he doesn’t want to give false hope. If the animated script issue didn’t exist, this might be able to make to a mild Consider with the next draft. Given that problem, the best thing to do would be to make the changes and learn from them. Then, apply what you have learned on this script towards writing something that might be more marketable. That would be a better investment of your time than putting all your eggs in this basket.