SCRIPTSHARK

Type of Material: Screenplay Title: MY BROTHER’S REAPER

Number of Pages: 110 Author: Zalex

Submitted By: Circa: Present

Submitted To: Location: Washington

Analyst: Genre: Comedy

LOG LINE: Twenty years ago, two brothers made a pact to euthanize each other if either one of them began to exhibit signs of their father’s madness. Now, a misunderstanding involving a woman they’re both seeing has each convinced the other is insane – and prompts the brothers to try to kill each other.

	Excellent	Good	Fair	Poor	Budget
Idea		X
Story Line		X			High
Characterization			X		Medium	X
Dialogue		X			Low
Production Value		X

THE SHARK GRID:

MECHANICS	Excellent	Solid	Needs Work	Re-Think	N/A
Action lines clearly and concisely manifest visual action and literal context.		X
Scenes avoid the problem of continuing beyond optimal length.		X
Spelling, grammar, and proofreading.		X
Page count.		X
The script’s physical presentation.		X
Dialogue.		X
The script effectively manifests a compelling theme and adheres to it throughout the story.		X

CHARACTER	Excellent	Solid	Needs Work	Re-Think	N/A
The protagonist clearly manifests both internal and external goals.		X
The protagonist has consistent opposition to his/her goals.		X
The protagonist is sympathetic and/or engages our emotional investment.		X
The protagonist clearly changes / has an arc.		X
The supporting characters are unique and add value to the story.			X
All of the characters are authentic to their backgrounds.			X
The script has an effective antagonistic force, direct or indirect.			X

STRUCTURE:	Excellent	Solid	Needs Work	Re-Think	N/A
The script has a strong structural foundation that serves the story, classic three-act structure or otherwise.		X
Plots and subplots work together.		X
The set-up is concise, and effective.		X
The story has well-designed reversals.			X
Transitions are effective and appropriate to the story.		X
Every scene has relevance.			X
The story includes an effective dramatic climax / payoff.			X
The setup is resolved effectively.			X
A catalytic situation drives the plot.		X
Dramatic conflict and tension build across scenes, throughout the plot.		X

MARKET VALUE	Excellent	Solid	Needs Work	Re-Think	N/A
Originality / freshness.		X
The story has a clearly defined target audience.		X
The story clearly has mass audience (universal) appeal.		X
The story includes a conceptual “hook” that could potentially be used to effectively market the film.		X

PRODUCTION VALUE	Excellent	Solid	Needs Work	Re-Think	N/A
The lead character is castable / has star appeal.		X
The visual arena of the script is stimulating.		X
The project has International appeal.		X

COMMENTS:

About 30 pages into MY BROTHER’S REAPER, this reader wrote the following note – “so far, might be strongest comedy submitted through TS-SOM.” In fact, at that point, this comedy felt like it was at least as good as some of the better comedies that this reader has seen through his professional affiliations. The screenwriter has come up with an inventive, original premise with a lot of comic potential. He clearly has invested a lot of time in coming up with comedic action scenes that haven’t been done before. There were very few moments in this script where the reader was struck with the thought “seen this done before.” Considering how rare it is to come across a strong genre script that doesn’t feel derivative at some point, that’s quite an achievement. Having said that, some later turns in the story left this reader torn as to if the script was up to par for a consider. However, since this writer clearly has a lot of talent and the concept is original, it feels like the best use of the limited space in this review would be to briefly hit the high points and then dig in as to how the film can best be improved.

So to start off, the first act? Nearly flawless. Some later turns in the story did lead this reader to consider that one or two details could be tweaked for a more effective ending, but on its own, this portion of the story works. The most important thing a script should do in the first 30 pages is keep the reader turning pages. There’s always the risk that this will land on the desk of a reader or producer who will only read the first fifteen or thirty pages and then toss the rest of the script aside if the story doesn’t grab them. Because of that, this reader tends to be hard on first acts. Fortunately, that wasn’t a problem here. The opening flashback sets up the hook of the story well. We see Luke and Harry dealing with their father’s insanity, which eventually causes the death of a beloved local man. The two brothers make a pact that if one of them ever gets that crazy, the other must put them out of their misery. All that and a wild action scene is accomplished by page ten. Nice work.

Following that, the script flashes forward 20 years, and the next ten pages do an efficient job of setting up the new status quo. We are reintroduced to Harry and Luke, both teaching at their old high school. Their father Bart has become even more insane in the intervening years, and both of his sons are frustrated that they haven’t found someone to share their lives with. The arrival of a new school psychologist, Ashley Larue, leads to love at first sight for Harry… except for the fact that Luke ends up dating her. By the end of the first Act, Luke and Ashley are dating pretty seriously, as Luke tells Harry all manner of wild lies to keep the romance a secret. Again, this is a model of efficient storytelling. By p. 33, Harry has figured out that his brother is lying, but he jumps to the wrong conclusion – and thinks it’s evidence that Luke has lost his mind. The good note here is that most scripts would have really dragged their feet in getting to this reveal.

Here’s the big note – it’s a concern that Luke isn’t doing anything that registers as “crazy.” It probably could be rationalized that Harry is being oversensitive in watching for warning signs, considering their father. A person with a normal father might not have jumped to this same conclusion, but given that both brothers stand a chance at inheriting their father’s condition maybe this misinterpretation is plausible. Still, it would work a lot better if either Luke did something that seemed much more out of line. It also might help if we as an audience had a better idea of what the first warning signs were when their father went insane. When we first meet Bart, he’s already deeply unbalanced by his condition. If Luke’s lies – or whatever Harry ends up taking as “evidence” – resonated somehow with the early onset of Bart’s condition, then maybe it would be easier to buy into Harry’s (and eventually Luke’s) misunderstanding.

Absent that, it seems like Harry jumps too quickly to trying to kill Luke. If nothing else, one would think he’d try to trick Luke into going to a doctor just so he could have the diagnosis verified. What if Harry started plotting how he would kill Luke, and Luke stumbled across those plans? Then, Luke could think Harry’s out to kill him and take that as evidence of Harry’s own derangement. When he starts to plot retaliation, it could only convince Harry that Luke really is crazy. This is similar to the set-up the writer already has – and make no mistake it’s a pretty clever conceit. This reader loves the idea of both brothers thinking the other is out to get them. The only details that are hard to buy into are Harry’s leap that Luke is that crazy, and especially Harry’s quick actions toward attempted murder. Once Luke is convinced Harry is going to kill him, the rest of that plot flows well. The road getting there just needs to be more plausible.

Unfortunately, this reader was less enthusiastic about the last big twist in the story, when Ashley is revealed to be Sally-Jo Davenport, the daughter of the man whom Bart killed twenty years earlier. This is the point where the script becomes a little too convoluted. Not only is Ashley out for revenge, but she’s also somewhat mentally unbalanced herself and all of this has been a plan to get the two brothers paranoid enough to kill each other. That’s a bit too elaborate to be plausible. Ashley knew about the pact, so her entire plan was to get both guys dating her in secret and hope that each guy somehow would then assume that the other had gone insane – thus leading them to kill each other while following through on their pact. That makes Ashley out to be too much of a mastermind for this reader’s tastes. Maybe it would be easier to buy if Ashley wasn’t mentally unbalanced – if she was just out for revenge. Making her somewhat crazy ends up adding one too many levels of implausibility to the premise. Also, it didn’t really work for this reader that Ashley was only 25. This means she would have been only five when her father was killed, and thus, only five when she witnessed the pact. It’s hard to imagine a five year-old having that sharp a memory. If she was 11 or 12, it might make that detail a bit more plausible.

All in all, this reader is torn. The flaws in how Harry and Luke come to think the other is crazy are fixable, and aren’t enough to hold the script back from a Consider rating on their own. The Ashley plot is a more significant flaw, and one that will have to be addressed somehow. As the writer has shown himself to be a talented and inventive screenwriter, this reader is going to give him the benefit of the doubt and rate this as: Consider w/Reservations.