SCRIPTSHARK

Type of Material: Screenplay Title: WHERE THE DEAD GO

Number of Pages: 104 Author: kmark

Submitted By: Circa: Present

Submitted To: Location: Congo

Analyst: AM Genre: Thriller

LOG LINE: A bioweapons engineer heads to the Congo to investigate the outbreak of a mysterious disease that consumes its victims even as it heightens their feral instincts.

	Excellent	Good	Fair	Poor	Budget
Idea		X
Story Line			X		High
Characterization		X			Medium	X
Dialogue		X			Low
Production Value		X

THE SHARK GRID:

MECHANICS	Excellent	Solid	Needs Work	Re-Think	N/A
Action lines clearly and concisely manifest visual action and literal context.	X
Scenes avoid the problem of continuing beyond optimal length.		X
Spelling, grammar, and proofreading.		X
Page count.		X
The script’s physical presentation.		X
Dialogue.		X
The script effectively manifests a compelling theme and adheres to it throughout the story.		X

CHARACTER	Excellent	Solid	Needs Work	Re-Think	N/A
The protagonist clearly manifests both internal and external goals.		X
The protagonist has consistent opposition to his/her goals.		X
The protagonist is sympathetic and/or engages our emotional investment.			X
The protagonist clearly changes / has an arc.			X
The supporting characters are unique and add value to the story.			X
All of the characters are authentic to their backgrounds.			X
The script has an effective antagonistic force, direct or indirect.		X

STRUCTURE:	Excellent	Solid	Needs Work	Re-Think	N/A
The script has a strong structural foundation that serves the story, classic three-act structure or otherwise.		X
Plots and subplots work together.		X
The set-up is concise, and effective.		X
The story has well-designed reversals.		X
Transitions are effective and appropriate to the story.		X
Every scene has relevance.		X
The story includes an effective dramatic climax / payoff.			X
The setup is resolved effectively.			X
A catalytic situation drives the plot.		X
Dramatic conflict and tension build across scenes, throughout the plot.		X

MARKET VALUE	Excellent	Solid	Needs Work	Re-Think	N/A
Originality / freshness.		X
The story has a clearly defined target audience.		X
The story clearly has mass audience (universal) appeal.			X
The story includes a conceptual “hook” that could potentially be used to effectively market the film.		X

PRODUCTION VALUE	Excellent	Solid	Needs Work	Re-Think	N/A
The lead character is castable / has star appeal.			X
The visual arena of the script is stimulating.		X
The project has International appeal.		X

COMMENTS:

WHERE THE DEAD GO is a well-written script with a plot that is pretty competently executed until the third act. The writer clearly has skill in the mechanics of screenplay writing, as the descriptive passages had a natural flow, and the writer effectively transitioned between scenes. From the first page alone, this reader knew that even if the plot turned out to be terrible, the script itself would be well-written, if that contradiction makes any sense.

The plot kicks off quickly, as we are swiftly introduced to Jack and then whisked off to a military briefing about a viral hot zone in the Congo. Here, the stakes are set-up rather well – the act of going into to contain the virus could end up disrupting the local politics so much that that option is only going to be given the green light as a last resort, and since there’s a high probability that the virus is a mutation of something Jack designed, he’s the only man for the job. The writer doesn’t waste too much time on setting this up, and by p. 15, not only has Jack arrived in the Congo, but he’s already had his plans turned upside by the gang attack. This reader can’t help but think that some writers would have dragged that out until the end of Act One, and he liked that the writer didn’t waste much time.

It wasn’t quite clear why Vumi seeks Jack out on p. 21. Was she just making sure he was okay? He asks her to take him to the refugee camp before she has a chance to explain what she’s doing there, and she’s initially reluctant to help him. All of this raised the question, what was her motivation for being there in the first place? It’s a minor slip, but one that’s noticeable on the second read. In any event, Jack’s search for the newly-infected boy becomes the engine that drives the next several scenes forward. This reader will admit that once Jack found the boy, some of the explanation of the virus was a little too complex to understand after only one read. However, the scene ends strongly with Jack telling us what he needs to do and why we should care – they need someone in close contact with a carrier, or they need to find someone in the final stages of the virus who is still alive. It’s a solid turning point in the structure of the script, and gives Jack a new goal.

On top of that, the tension gets another shot in the arm with the raid on the witch village led by Damo Tchomia. Jack and Vumi escape, and when they have a moment to catch their breath, Jack ends up filling in a lot of exposition about his backstory. This is one case where the writer might have been too quick to go from putting them on the run, to giving them a quiet moment to share backstories. With regard to Jack’s backstory, the script might be walking a fine line. He is generally shown to be a moral guy, but during a second read through the script, it seemed like the script might hit that note a little too hard. He almost becomes self-righteous. Clearly he resents being blackmailed into designing the virus, and he has no love for the military, but lines like “’Science shines with conscience.’ Jesus. If only that were true,” played a bit heavy-handed. Having him give a cynical chuckle at the motto might have been more effective and subtle.

This reader wonders if he might have been more sympathetic if he had been taken in by all the patriotic talk and signed up to work for the government right out of school. Then after designing the virus, what if he started questioning the morality of it and walked away? His conviction could be so strong that later, when his daughter was found to have a rare congenital disorder, the government tried to get him to come back by offering to let them “jump in line.” Carol could have been all for it, but Jack might have stuck to his principles, even though it meant condemning his daughter to a wheelchair. The end result is the same, but it has the added bonus of explaining the break-up between Jack and Carol – and this reader feels it works better to have Jack originally working for the government of his own accord, only to turn down the blackmail. Doing so might make it even more plausible that he would head to the Congo to investigate, having felt guilty about buying the propaganda hook, line and sinker the first time.

As the action shifts to Ku Mpemba, the gory descriptions become more vivid. This reader isn’t a terribly big fan of gore, as a lot of writers tend to use it only for shock value. Here, there was a real sense of atmosphere and as grim as some of the descriptions were, there wasn’t anything that crossed the line. Just reading the descriptions of the Sick Pit was an uncomfortable experience, but the writer was clearly doing something right to provoke that reaction. However, the scene between Jack and Tchomia was definitely disturbing. Smartly, the writer doesn’t go straight for the big scare, instead allowing the tension to build in a way that is sure to make the audience nervous for what’s to come. “The Eye Scene” is one that most audiences will probably be watching through interlaced fingers. It’s a memorable moment, though this reader must admit he didn’t know why it was necessary for Tchomia to slice off the eyelid.

It’s with the third act that this reader begins to have some larger issues with the script. The attack on Basabe’s mansion is an exciting use of the infected, but it feels like it might have had a stronger impact if Basabe had appeared in more than one brief scene earlier. Experiencing the virus through Jack’s eyes more than makes up for that short-coming though. For this reader, it falls apart when Tchomia tortures Vumi to force Jack to reveal why she resists the disease. As if the description of her being gutted like a fish wasn’t unpleasant enough, the script fell even further when Vumi tells him to eat her so that he can ingest the cure. It was an over-the-top moment of gore that completely repulsed this reader. The script just crossed the line there, and this reader couldn’t help but think that if he was watching this in the theatre, that scene would have prompted him to walk out. As if that moment wasn’t already offensive enough, the script then essentially says “Psych!” and reveals that it didn’t actually happen. That means that it was completely pointless and only there for the shock value. As an audience member, this reader was offended twice – when the scene happened, and when he found out it “didn’t count.” If it’s not real, don’t keep it.

Secondly, it felt like Jack was too “normal” after being cured of the sickness. It just seems like that whole experience of being tortured, drugged and then practically going feral should have caused him considerable psychological harm. Sure the cure will heal his body, but would he mentally recover from something that traumatic so fast? It felt like a more realistic ending would be for Jack to be left a basket case and get picked up by an extraction team that’s sent to the mansion. Having Jack himself be the only salvageable sample is logical, but it feels like he doesn’t undergo enough of an emotional change as the result of what he experiences.

All in all, there’s a lot of solid writing here, but the third act was too much of a turnoff. This reader suspects he might like other screenplays by this author, but when it comes to this specific one, he can’t give it a full endorsement.