From the logline I was expecting the boss in the story to be some important big business man, which would in turn have made the stakes high concerning the video. But he turned out to run a store. While the script worked in some ways I felt the low stakes plot, particularly in the first half, made it hard to get involved in the story.

Pg 1 - the first line has a wrong tense.

You tended to direct quite a lot, like Pg 2 - 'the house grows closer and closer.'

I liked the voice over, and it had a comical quality, but think you used it too much.

Pg 18 - 'Heavy dance music begins to fade in.' Directing.

I was liking the characters. Pavel seemed a nice guy, hardworking, trying his best, but I wasn't really interested in the plot. I felt that if Pavel found out about his unfaithful wife then it would actually be a good thing for him in the long run. So, there wasn't much tension about the video.

Pg 30 - You sometimes wrote thoughts, not visuals. 'Maybe tonight won't be so bad. After all it is their anniversary.'

Pg 42 - Thom almost blurts out what Ellen's been up to. Good building of the plot.

Pg 47 - Ellen attacks and kills the stripper. Sudden change in the dynamics of the story. Exciting development.

Pg 62 - Around here there are pages of dialog between Thom and Nathan which don't really go anywhere.

Pg 65 - A break in. Another well-placed plot point.

Pg 71 - You tell us Nathan's thoughts.

Pg 74 - Too much voice over.

Pg 80 - Pavel attacks Nathan. Shock. What had seemed like a dark comedy suddenly turns into a blood bath.

Pg 87 - Then Pavel attacks Thom. It seemed like the first half of the screenplay was a mundane comedy, and the second half a grisly thriller.

Pavel dies, Ellen dies, and then we return to dark comedy in Thom's voice over.

I felt that the tone of the screenplay was too uneven, almost like you hadn't decided what genre you were writing. The dialogue and characters were pretty good, but the script didn't seem to balance: the first half lacking a hook and the second becoming a different kind of movie.

Overall, a script with strong points, but too uneven.

THE CLEAN GLASS
By: CJ Knight
Review of: The Clean Glass
on: 12/04/2009
Why is it called this? CONCEPT A convenience store worker starts a relationship with his boss’ psychotic wife. The premise... [more]

Don't yet know what I'm getting into...
By: earmight
Review of: The Clean Glass
on: 12/03/2009
The synopsis intrigued me, but I don't have any solid idea of where this script will be going. Usually, that's... [more]

A mess, but it has potential
By: fionaman
Review of: The Clean Glass
on: 12/02/2009
The first thing that occurred to me: Way too much voice over! This is a prime example of telling (literally)... [more]

I’LL TAKE A COPY
By: **DELETED ACCOUNT**
Review of: The Carbon Copy
on: 07/19/2010
This is a freewill review. And I believe that you deserve one for all the kind and constructive reviews that... [more]

NOT A FUNNY PRANK AT ALL
By: **DELETED ACCOUNT**
Review of: Prank Calls
on: 07/18/2010
But a decent enough screenplay. First, I’d like to tell you that you had my mind running in circles in... [more]

A HIDDEN TREASURE
By: **DELETED ACCOUNT**
Review of: LA PETITE MORT
on: 07/16/2010
That’s what I’d call this script. Even though there are some formatting and editing errors, with some rewrites this might... [more]

You know, we never get tired of saying it: yet another TriggerStreet.com screenplay submission has... [more]

Earn credits to get reviews of your comic books! You can now request to be... [more]

Yet another TriggerStreet.com screenplay submission has been recognized with a consider from professional script coverage... [more]