TriggerStreet.com | Quilt Or Year Of The Octopus Rev. 5 by Pasmado

Page 4 – Unless Lilly’s memory is a plot point, I would strike this dialogue, “The bikes did help me recall. Boy,my memory is getting bad.”

Page 10 – “bit of housekeeping” may sound better as opposed to just "housekeeping."

Page 13 – extra space before the word “what” at the beginning of second block of dialogue.

Page 14 – “openly masturbate” sounds written. How about, “Jerk it on the toilet” or “Jerk it with the door open.”

Page 14 – “to catch you” should be “I catch you.”

Page 18 – “Not to beat a dead horse” strike this. If he’s repeated in the past, have Elvira say, “Are you gonna tell this story again?”

Page 21 – “Over the course of staying with you on and off over the years” sounds written. May the dad could say, “You’ve been here so much, if you weren’t I’d miss you.”

Page 22 - sounds written. “to my desperate communiqués” change to “to me.”

Page 25 – parenthetical is not in the typical place. (Asian hooker accent).

Page 30 – I’m wondering how well Swin was treated by Steve. If he truly was nice to her, I haven't gotten that idea.

Page 36 – For me, I’m noticing that this script is starting to drag.

Page 55 - This script hinges on whether or not the audience likes Steve. He’s hard to like because he’s weak, as well as other reasons.

Page 66 – Finally Steve takes an action to get his life moving. The movie is written, produced, and Swin has noticed. However, and instead of being interested, I’ve hit a brick wall. I will try to sort out why in the “Overall” section of this review.

Page 73 – excess word "is", “Steve is rushes”

Page 93 – “to” should be “too.”

Overall:
I am in no way affiliated with the movie industry, I do not know what sells, and everything I say about your script could be completely wrong. Additionally, I’m probably a movie snob since I see major flaws in the majority of films that I watch. Additionally, be aware that my reviews are frequently more negative than those of other reviewers here at Triggerstreet.

Anyone in love with main character Steve would undoubtedly love this script, because we get a whole lot of him. In fact, this script is so focused on the main character that the main character is the subject and vice versa. In a way, this script can’t miss, because it’s all about him: we’re there when he eats some bad octopus and vomits, when he masturbates, when he fantasizes, and when he flashes back.

But the script does little to win us over to a place where we care about him. Whether we come to understand Steve or not is a side issue. The result of a good script could be “there’s no understanding Steve." However, this script unceasingly and inartfully gives too much information, and so the character remained, for me, inaccessible and uninteresting. As a matter of fact, my interest in the script increased dramatically during the interview with Terry Gross from pages 69 to 71. I was hoping to gain some understanding of what I was supposed to take away from this script. It wasn’t there.

In the final pages, instead of feeling happy for Steve, I felt sorry for Clare. His joking demeanor (a deflection of reality?) seemed to foreshadow bad things for her. Here is a man who seems incapable of taking Clare (or any other woman) seriously. This man has significant unresolved issues when it comes to women at the end of the script.

A new shape to the set of events depicted in your script would be as follows:

Act I, we see Steve trying to deal with the fallout from the bad things which have transpired in the past. (The divorcing of the first wife, his mother dying, Swin leaving, employment problems.) Act I ends with Steve contemplating suicide.

In Act II, Steve drops the idea of ending it all and tries a few things, some fall through, but one effort breaks through to success.

Act III, would be short in length, long on meaning. Steve atones for his past actions. He tells his first wife he was wrong to leaver her, and offers to help pay off her house. He finds the girlfriend who he left and perhaps finds that he has nothing to apologize for there, she’s doing well and not angry that they went their separate ways. He finds Swin and apologizes for objectifying her, and tells her that he forgives her for running away. He offers to pay her way back to her country of origin if she wants to leave the life she’s living in Las Vegas. The audience is made aware that Steve has come to realize that marrying an impoverished woman 25 younger than himself was a very predatory act. And, lastly, we see that Steve comes to forgive himself for that and other things. Now, when he ends up with Clare, the audience can feel a sense of closure.

I apologize if I missed anything. One good dramatic dynamic which I liked was the fact that this guy, whose personal life is a mess, is an architect (clean lines and order). I hope this review has been of some benefit to you. Good luck with this script.

Review

Reviews of QUILT OR YEAR OF THE OCTOPUS (REV. 5) (9)

Reviews by Pasmado (20)

How it Rates

Details

Trigger Updates

Screenplay of
the Month

Reviewer of
the Month