First some notes.
2. "Forget the dame, boss. Save me."- funny line
2. Drop use of (cont'd)- no longer use like this in spec scripts
3. Good twist making MAX protagonist
4. Try to avoid so many "orphans" (single words on a line)
8. "...random words from Taco Bell" - funny line
10. Queen of the school - can't see this. Need to show, not tell
17. "How do you like your omlette" - Captain Freedom would know Kid Wonders preference
19. Avoid specific songs unless vital to story - this is the director's call and could be a right's issue (I see this happens often in the script)
23. ANGLE ON - tell it in a different way. Don't take the reader out of the script. Camera direction when only when absolutely needed
27. Other STUDENTS reacts in shock - two problems. Stop CAPPING "students" and should be students react not reacts.
31."Or yes, I can buy you a corsage?" - good line
35. I'm having a hard time beleiving this strong-willed chick is melting so fast for Max.
41. INSERT MAX - find another way to show this without camera direction
46. heads her direction - should read, heads in her direction.
48. Not liking the use of the FLASHBACK. It wasn't needed.
51. "The G.V." - if abbreviating was Vanessa's new thing, we should have seen this out of her before page 51
55. ...the envy of the real estate profession - can't tell us, have to show us
58. Saturday at the mall. - if relevant, use SUPER: "Saturday"
58. Only the collected works of Tolstoy. - dumb and unrealistic. After this and the priot Baby Ruth joke, I'm sensing the screenwriter blew their comedy load to soon.
59. "It's lovely." - I'm missing he sarcasm. Can still fall in love, but she is getting was out of character.
66. ON HIS FACE - where else would a grin be?
67. We are making Captain Freedom out to be a total tool now? Part of the unique aspect of this script is folding over. Our protagonist now looks better, cooler, less of a tool then the "real hero."???
72. A quiet beat. - laziness..the script is better than that
75. Way out of character for Donand to bring a forgotten lunch to school. Kid's in high school. Writer looking for an easy way out to allow Dad to see Captain will be making a prom appearance.
79. Prom Night. - Don't state this in parenthetical...show it.
81. Max made it to prom? If it turns out Ashley called the Feds, huge plot hole. The feds we be there in minutes.
90. Yes sir...she turned him in, major plot hole.
93. "Do you take credit cards?" - funny line
Okay, now on to my opinions.
This script started out funny, unique and interesting, but lost my interest about halfway through. Max and Ashley had a nice rapport going with the sacasm and such, but that folded up as quickly as Wonder Boy. They could still become attracted to each other but keep that interesting, biting edge.
Also the comedy blew out about half way through. Can't explain it, but the one-liners became just that. You started with a lot of snappy jokes, but the impact faded about the same time Ashley and Max heated up.
Max has a bit a Stewie Griffin to him, but his edge faded once he fell in love. He could still enjoy his arc, but making "Captain" turn into such a tool didn't work for me.
Overall, a good script, with a lot of pros. But, a lot to work on. With some adjustments, this could have a market.
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Review ID: 2819075
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