Did I ever have a good time reading this screenplay! The villain is the protagonist. The city's superhero is an ego maniac. And the one-liners come fast and furious:

"She wouldn’t know fashion if it destroyed her trailer park."

"She is the love of my life, Kid Wonder. Her hair the color of raven’s night. Her lips, red as the underwear on the outside of my costume."

"My mom would play her songs over and over until they were beaten into my head like a jackhammer. If God had a jackhammer, I bet it would sound like Celine Dion, am I right?"

"Funny thing. I spent the weekend in a diaper. Ate an entire tub of Play-Doh. And yesterday: eight hour Dora the Explorer marathon."

I wouldn't dare explain that last bit of dialogue except to say that you should experience the story to appreciate how funny that line is. Or the one about him asking his mom to breast feed him.

The scribe of this fabulous foray into comedy, Mr. Duncan R. Kellett, embodies so much of my own personal thinking about comedy specs in today's competitive market. Duncan tries to make every line of dialogue, every action line, and many transitions funny, which you must do to compete with other aspiring comedy writers. He believes in the joke that leads into another joke, in other words, the setup is funny and the payoff is funnier. I'm reminded of another TS writer who could achieve this kind of high volume of jokes per page. He's not on TS anymore, but when I first joined oh-so-long ago, I wrote freewill reviews for his comedy trilogy, and I remember concluding that he had anywhere between 10-15 jokes per page consistently all the way to the end. And those 10-15 jokes were gags that were either verbal, visual, or aural. I don't think you can cram much more than 15 jokes per page into a script, because an audience needs time to catch a breath between jokes. In any case, this is the first script I've read since then (amateur or pro) that could match that high volume of humor, which is never easy.

Yet, many people are quick to dismiss comedies without realizing how tough they are to write.

I want to make a comment about pop culture references in comedy. I know a lot of people (inside the biz and outside) aren't fond of it. (Diablo Cody is probably to blame somewhat because her style of writing caused a huge backlash against pop culture references.) People will argue that pop culture references will date a spec too quickly and that comedy films should aspire to be more timeless so that it'll have a longer shelf life. There's nothing wrong with that line of thinking. My assistant and I spent the last couple of weeks in search of the film with the most one liners, and there are many films that have achieved that same high volume of laughs without any pop culture references (Marx brothers, early Neil Simon, early Mel Brooks). So far, I'm thinking the highest volume of one-liners can be found in an old 30s film called 'My Man Godfrey,' but the verdict's still out. On the other hand, there's nothing wrong with comedies filled with pulp culture references. Those are comedies meant for their time. Do they get laughs? You betcha. There's an importat aspect of comedy writing that has to do with the verbal imagery that the words paint in your mind in order to trigger a laugh. You could get a laugh talking generally about a spoiled pop diva singer. Or you could just say "Britney Spears," and you will get a bigger laugh. There have been studies showing that when you hear a joke with a lack of specific imagery only the left hemisphere of the brain experiences the joke. But when specific imagery is used, both hemispheres are stimulated and the result is a full-brain laugh. In other words, "candy bar," will get a chuckle but "Baby Ruth" will get a bigger laugh. One cannot dismiss a comedy spec because of pop culture references. There's nothing wrong with that. At the end of the day, what matters? Did it make you laugh or not?

But back to 'My Evil Prom Date.' I think this script needs one good revision and you're good to go. It has a bit too much fat in places, scenes with too much dialogue, which hurts your pacing. I didn't write any notes during my first read, but on my second trip through the script, I went through it scene-by-scene and offered many suggestions about lines of dialogue that should be cut, some of which will be painful. A comedy needs to move a little faster than this to sustain the laughs. One of the most common (albeit minor) problems is just the redundancies in what people are saying. For example, on page 7, I wrote, "The Taco Bell joke is funny but I don't believe the Spanish test plays any part in the story, and you're only repeating a characteristic about Max that we already know. You may want to cut this and go straight into "secret identity." The dialogue's great, but just a bit too much here. This is a transition that should move quicker." Or here's what I wrote for page 14, "You don't need this line: "Things! Never mind!" A funny look from Max will get a laugh and that's all you need. Trust the faces of your actors to deliver laughs with their reactions. Many times, reactions will suffice. You have to give actors a chance to act. Also, you don't need this line: 'I’ll say.' Remember, enter late and leave early."

There are also a few places where I suggest a tweeking of the jokes. For example, how about the line I shared at the beginning of the review: "She is the love of my life, Kid Wonder. Her hair the color of raven’s night. Her lips, red as the underwear on the outside of my costume." It's a funny line, but most jokes are built on the principles of THREE. You usually list two things BEFORE the punchline. The first setups up the list, the second builds anticipation, and then you surprise them with the third twist. Thus, you should write, "Her hair the color of raven’s night. Her eyes, [WHATEVER]. Her lips, red as the underwear on the outside of my costume." Do you see what I mean? Adding that second element to a list of THREE builds anticipation and will probably help deliver a bigger laugh.

I don't know if you've ever read this, but you should pick-up Mel Helitzer's "Comedy Writing Secrets," the 2nd edtion, which I think is the best on the subjecct. This is not to say that you need any help writing jokes, but this will help you to tweek your jokes to guarantee laughs.

A FEW OTHER THOUGHTS

- A comic book hero named Captain Freedom already exists. You may want to nip that in the bud and come up with a different name. I've always wondered why super heroes have to be Captains. Why not General Freedom?

- You need to cut the references to specific songs. It's a copyright thing. You can't sell a script that includes someone else's copyrighted material without the express, written permission of the artist. I know you'll hate this, but you need to change all the specific song references to something more generic. If you make money off a script that includes someone else's copyrighted material, you open yourself up to lawsuits. It usually doesn't happen, but that's the reason you shouldn't do it. There are producers and/or prod cos out there that will insist you change these details before they consider a sale. Just fix it now. Also, like the 'Halo' song toward the end, that's a bad move b/c it'll date your screenplay and make it feel old. You have no idea how quickly specs can feel dated. You want to mention something general and contemporary so it'll be current if/when the film is released. Having said that, your GENERAL discussion about Celine Dion at Ashley's house was fine.

- Penny should probably make an appearance at the prom. She feels like a wasted character.

- This is not an essential. The ending was enjoyable, yet predictable. I can't help but wonder if you should do something to surprise expectations about how it'll play out. This is also the biggest area where I think dialogue should be cut. You gotta wrap it up quicker. The story felt like it overstayed its welcome by about ten pages. You have to leave them wanting more.

All in all, a fantastic effort, Duncan, and I have no doubt about your future.

-MM

--------------------------------------

Title Page - Move your personal information over to the lower-right hand corner. This is a pet peeve of many in the biz. Pg 1 - The problem with Captain Freedom is that he already exists. I'm wondering if you should nip that in the bud with a different name. I don't know. Why do super heroes have to be Captains? Why not General Freedom? Thus, he defends non-specific freedoms? Pg 2 - I'm writing notes on my second read through the script and the mentioning of specific songs is a no-no. It's a copyright thing. You can't sell a script that includes someone else's copyrighted material without the express, written permission of the artist. I know you'll hate this, but you need to change all the specific song references to something more generic. If you make money off a script that includes someone else's copyrighted material, you open yourself up to lawsuits. It usually doesn't happen, but that's the reason you shouldn't do it. There are producers and/or prod cos out there that will insist you change these details before they consider a sale. Just fix it now. Also, like the 'Halo' song toward the end, that's a bad move b/c it'll date your screenplay and make it feel old. You have no idea how quickly specs can feel dated. You want to mention something general and contemporary so it'll be current if/when the film is released. Pg 3 - Try to keep your action paragraphs down to 4 lines or fewer. I'd save the "stupid curfew" line until he reaches the house. Let audiences wonder what's happening UNTIL it's revealed he's going to his suburban home. Pg 5 - I wonder if Donald should put his arm around Max. Should this evil family have a history of struggling with affectionate gestures toward each other since they're evil? Thus, a small part of Max's arc could be him going from unaffectionate to affectionate. Pg 6 - The dialogue is great in this scene. The only problem is that it's visually static, a couple of talking heads in Max's bedroom. I can't help but wonder if Donald should call Max down to his study or garage or secret room where they walk & talk and Donald shows off a lifetime's worth of souvenirs from his early days. That might have a bit more to it and that "cinematic wonder" feel to it, if you know what I mean. This might also show Donald to be a not great father. He's telling Max to enjoy being a kid while enticing him even more about being a villain. Pg 7 - The Taco Bell joke is funny but I don't believe the Spanish test plays any part in the story, and you're only repeating a characteristic about Max that we already know. You may want to cut this and go straight into "secret identity." The dialogue's great, but just a bit too much here I think. This is a transition that should move quicker, I think. Pg 9 - No need for "(cont'd)" when a character speaks twice in a row. Pg 10 - Hilarious. Love this scene. Pg 11 - top - Great transition, re: poetry. No need for "It always feels like more." We already get that with "It feels like seven" and I think audiences will laugh on the word "seven." No need to expand on that thought. "No... it’s not that..." is a little too on-the-nose, and I think an obvious, bold lie might get a bigger laugh. Pg 14 - You don't need this line: "Things! Never mind!" A funny look from Max will get a laugh and that's all you need. Trust the faces of your actors to deliver laughs. Many times, their reactions will suffice. You have to give actors a chance to act. Also, you don't need this line: "I’ll say." Remember, enter late and leave early. Pg 15 - Love this: "Her lips, red as the underwear on the outside of my costume." Hehehe… Pg 17 - Love this scene. Pg 18 - I'd cut the "Damn! I’m so stupid!" and Ashley's response of "I wouldn’t argue with that." Pg 19 - I'd cut "I have no plans to leave." You're being a tad redundant with the two sentences. We know exactly what he means when he says "High school amuses me." That's something to look for and edit - slight redundancies in the dialogue. Pg 20 - Hilarious end to the Science Class scene. Loved it. Pg 21 - You might want cut the "Supreme Court of weird" lines and go straight into setting fire to middle school. At this point, talking about how weird Max is feels redundant. We already know that so jump into something new. Pg 23 - Instead of ANGLE ON, just write a Secondary Heading, like

IN THE ROCK QUARRY

An abandoned Hyundai Accent.

This way, you avoid directing the director and imply the camera direction without calling it out. Pg 24 - You probably don't need this line, "Stupid, dumb, ignorant... boy!" It's not THAT funny and we get that just by seeing her getting rid of her glitter. Pg 25 - These two lines can go, "Oh, hey man. Uh... Max, right?" and Max's "Yeah... man." Just start with "Oh, hey, uh, Max, right? Whassup?" You need to move a little quicker than this. Pg 26 - Hilarious. Pg 27 - I'm thinking the whole meatloaf bit could be cut. Just jump right into the popularity thing. Pg 28 - I think you need to get to the blue light quicker. Pg 31 - Should he try to hug her? Perhaps he should struggle with some kind of affectionate gesture. Pg 32 - I can't help but wonder if this scene should end with "The plan to squash Captain Freedom once and for all." Everything else feels like over kill. Plus, you're repeating exposition we already know, that is, Captain Freedom is going to be Master of Ceremonies. Granted, some of the dialogue is funny, but it's not THAT funny to justify dragging this scene out longer. This is an enter late, leave early situation, I believe. Pg 35 - No need for a transition that says "INTERCUT WITH:". Do it like this:

INT. ASHLEY’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Ashley lays on her bed, cell phone to her ear.

INTERCUT PHONE CONVERSATION

ASHLEY
Max? Hi. It’s Ashley.

This is cleaner, and you'll save some page space that way. This is only a spec, so you don't need to write transitions unless it's absolutely necessary, like a SMASH CUT or something. Pg 37 - Not so sure this "You got carrot on the rug" is truly essential. It's funny, but not so funny to justify its existence. You should probably kill this line: "Just take the damn flowers, will you?" You don't need it. Him faking sincerity is funny enough. Pg 38 - You don't need this: "The most awkward dinner ever." Pg 39 - I think the Celine Dion stuff here is okay, so long as you refrain from the USE of a specific song IN THE STORY, like you used with 'Halo' later at the prom. Pg 40 - You need to do a Secondary Heading:

UNDER THE TABLE

Ashley kicks Max.

BACK TO SCENE

Max looks past Mr. Craig out the window as two giant robot legs…

Pg 41 - No need for the intercut here. Pg 42 - Show the monster stepping on the birdhouse instead of resorting to Gunther's dialogue. Pg 43 - This isn't correct: "INSERT MAX’S POV". An INSERT is used to do a close-up of a small object, like a note in which the audience is expected to read words or something. There's no point in even mentioning POV in a spec. Just write about how is looking past Mr. Craig through the window, etc. We'll get that it's his POV without having to write an extra action line. Pg 45 - top - Great scene, but I think this good-bye should have a whole lot less dialogue. You're just a joke-writing machine, I know, but you need to end this sooner. Down the page, the scene with Don & Christine - hilarious. Love it. Pg 46 - This scene should probably be a couple of lines shorter. Pg 47 - Derrick's "funny thing" dialogue - hilarious. Pg 48 - I'd cut the BEGIN FLASHBACK and END FLASHBACK transitions and just add "- FLASHBACK" to the Oak Lawn High School Master Scene Heading. That'l save a couple of lines. Pg 51 - I can't help but wonder if this comment about Max being a caring person shouldn't be moved to some other scene, like perhaps break up that conversation between Max and Gunther on pg 32 to cut to another scene between Ashley and Emily as they talk about going her and Max going to the prom at the same time? Because this scene on pg 51 is a completely different plot point and it needs to start with Vanessa. Pg 52 - This confrontation needs to escalate a bit quicker. Pg 54 - "breast feeding" gag very funny. Pg 56 - I'd cut the David Caruso bit. This scene should be shorter. Pg 58 - You might want to move this scene with Christine to pg 57 and make it after the party to punctuate the point about their motivation to return to their life of villainy. Pg 60 - Instead of referencing 'Halo' just mention a Beyonce song. Pg 64 - I'd cut the Lord of the Rings reference. This should be "Why do you hate Captain Freedom" and them - boom - you jump into the story. That's how quick you have to be in scenes. Pg 72 - You could cut these lines: "And Prom?" "Figure it out, evil genius." Pg 73 - Cut this: "Will you tell the authorities who I am?" Just let her leave and go inside. Pg 79 - These lines can be cut: "What are you talking about?" and Ashley's "Never mind." Pg 84 - Get rid of the 'Halo' reference here. Pg 86 - I'd cut the "I'm sorry" and "I'm really sorry" and start with "You hurt me." Pg 89 - You need to add a space above the dual dialogue here. And it looks like you have an extra space after the dual dialogue, too. Pg 95 - This reference to the Imperial Death March needs to go. I can't help but wonder if Penny Parker should make an appearance at the prom. She feels like a wasted character. Pg 96-98 - I think you've got too much dialogue here. Wrap it up more quickly. Pg 101 - Great job!

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