This script has a lot going for it. First, the character of Tommy is great. I especially liked the distinct parlance he used as he spoke.

Second, the details of the script are solid. Having just driven to Montreal recently, you clearly did your homework. Also, the little details of life as a metal band add a richness and texture to the story that most of the scripts I read on triggerstreet don't have.

Third, some of the parts had me laughing. These lines in particular got me:

KAITLIN
My daddy says that a good beef
burger is like a good Gook. The
bloodier it is, the better.

MIGGS
You’re gonna be shooting Commies
in two weeks. You shouldn’t be
worried about what your parents
think.

DREW
They had four cups, all sized C.
That gives them a lifetime pass.

BUD
What’s with the ugly girl?

MIGGS
He ain’t a girl, he’s in a hair
band.

BUD
Oh, one of them Bon Jovi mother
fuckers?

The singing contest between Tommy and his other bandmate was great, as was the character of Andre and his desire to put on an Abba show.

This is a strong script and I can see why it impressed the judges, but I do think some areas could be improved to get it to number 1 in that contest you entered.

It seems like the script has two main stories going -- the Tommy story, and the Miggs / Stu drug deal. One of them needs to take priority over the other, while the other becomes a subplot. I personally liked the Tommy story more, just because I thought he had the strongest character, but the Miggs / Stu story seems to be the primary main plot. If you were to go for the latter, then Tommy should just be relegated to a supporting character who comes on this road trip to keep things interesting.

Also, by picking one of the stories to make a subplot, you can cut the size down on this script a bit. It's a little long as it currently is, and I could easily see you getting this down to 105 pgs.

I also thought the conflict of the story could be revved up a bit. The main conflict seems to be the drug deal, but in many of the scenes that danger came across as tangential.

Another area where you could exploit conflict is to create some form of tension between Miggs, Stu and Tommy on their car ride up. Give them more of an odd couple appeal, or a dislike for each other that would make these scenes more entertaining. Maybe Stu likes classical music?

Though there were some chuckles for me in the script, it seemed like it had the potential to be even funnier than it was. The scene in the gay bar is a prime example. This scene has potential to be hillarious if you'd take it to the extremes it deserves. Perhaps get Miggs mistaken for part of the show, and ends up having to dance.

Anonee potential area of comedy may be with the character of Stu. He's a generally good-natured guy who's about to go into the military, where he will be toughened up. You could exploit this more for humor as Stu tries to prove his toughness but instead only shows his inner niceness.

Thanks for the enjoyable read and keep writing. You definitely show talent for it.

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on: 12/27/2009
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