Okay, upfront, I have to say, I find this script intriguing and filled with potential. It has a quality of amoral people in an amoral world that appeals to me.

You quickly painted a picture of the lead character, SONNY that sets him in his place and time, but the peripheral characters don’t live up to the well-painted picture created for Sonny. The other main characters, Erewen, Console and Mardi are all quickly brushed into the story with little consequence and this matters the most with Sonny’s partner, Console, who we later discover is the true bad guy in the story as he sets about manipulating Sonny, has slept with his wife and intends to have Erewen kill Sonny in a dope buy and steal police money.

But still, the overall flow of the story is very strong, if a bit too convenient suddenly near the end with the insertion of outside DA characters. The twisted mess it becomes for everyone in the end hearkens to there being no sacred cows, no happy endings and no place to find redemption for a character too far gone down a path that has claimed his sanity and moral compass.

The confusion and insanity created in Sonny’s mind by the undercover assignment and the drug abuse make for a character teetering on the edge throughout. Thus, his movements never really require a rational. Those of others in the script though, such as hi wife, his partner and his captain could perhaps use some work.

A perfect example is his partner Console risking everything for just $25,000. As we never get the sense of him being desperate for the cash, it is just something he wants that could easily ruin his life. A greedy, narcissistic character, I’ve no issues with his actions, I just think he would want to accomplish more in the doing or have some personal grudge that once revealed, makes his motivations clear and solid.

Overall, I quite liked this script. For my two-cents, if you go back in and work more on Console and Daisy, you have the makings of a really nice piece of work here that could draw in good talent.

For some thing to fix, try to work on your slug lines a bit more to make it clear about settings so the reader stays with the story. Also, there is no need to have ‘hidden’ characters that are one moment, THE MAN and then become the character. The readers of the script should be in tune with what you are trying to accomplish and it makes it a cleaner read with less distractions. But that’s just my POV.

If you dig back into it, please send me the rewritten version to see again.

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