TriggerStreet.com | "Mystery Man? More like Mystery CHILD..." by Mystery Man

So Kevin Wilton and I have "a history."

Over a year ago (has it really been a year?), I reviewed an earlier draft of "Aliens Don't Make Crop Circles." Kevin had written in his production notes that he didn't want to bothered by complaints about format, which set me off. In my review, I took the most logical approach to this kind of situation - I ONLY talked about format and refused to provide any analysis of story or character or anything else until he cleaned up his script because it looked like @#$%. I believe that was also the review where I had written, "Take heed my advice or fail. I am Mystery Man. Hear me roar."

Hehehe...

Ahh, good times, good times.

So, of course, I received an email from Kevin. The subject heading was "Aliens Don't Take This Lying Down." He wrote: "Mystery Man? Mystery Child could be closer to the mark... I have to say that I did read your review from beginning to end and it was full of wisdom. But what on earth (no pun in this case), are you on? Or, more to the point, what medication are you not taking...? I will explain why I have specifically asked for a no comment on the formatting in the past. It is because some people get so anally fixated with dots and commas that they forget the whole point of the site, to review stories."

And this is true - to a point. Some people certainly can be this way. But to refuse to hear feedback about grammar and format is just beyond absurd. Call me crazy, but writers should care about these things. Because a writer ought to know how to write, and a screenplay ought to look like a screenplay. The competition is brutal. You're not only competing with thousands of other writers trying to break in but you're also competing with the professionals. You have to excel on every single level. You have to make every scene, every detail, and every word count. You cannot ever and I mean EVER give anyone an easy excuse to dismiss your story or you as a writer. And there's no question that the quickest way to undermine a reader's confidence in you is a wildly gross display of incompetence and ignorance when it comes to format and grammar. In past reviews, I have quoted industry insiders who implore writers to master the craft and study Trottier's Screenwriter's Bible. (Even on my blog, I'll review a "pro" script like, say, "The Transformers," and you better believe that, no different than my reviews here, I'll take them to task for not knowing how to format a screenplay. It's ridiculous that some of these guys get paid gobs of money and they don't know any better than to use archaic techniques that were abandoned four decades ago. Our scripts should reflect twenty-first century formatting. Truth be told, there are a lot of hacks and con artists out there pretending to be "real" screenwriters and they actively bamboozle producers and studios out of enormous amounts of money. They will get hired, write steaming piles of crapola (or get hired to do a rewrite job, change two commas, and turn it in), and then they'll quickly bail when the heat gets turned up for more rewrites. There's a lot of mistrust on both sides of the fence. Grammar and format is just a first step in a thousand toward proving your sincerity, worth, and legitimacy as a screenwriter.)

Okay, okay, stepping off my format soapbox.

I was quite happy to see that this spec had been cleaned up - somewhat. One of the biggest complaints I had before was the dialogue, which I believe was about 4.5 inches wide. As we know, dialogue should be no more than 3.5 inches, although many writers keep the dialogue at 3 inches. An inch makes a big difference. Keeping dialogue down to 3 inches keeps the pacing of the script within a reasonable equivalent of 1 page equals 1 minute of screentime. When dialogue's been grossly manipulated like that, 1 page of talk could translate into 2-3 minutes of screentime. (In Kevin's e-mail, he admitted that when he "made the dialogue only 3.5 inches wide" script increased "by 20 pages" and then he had to do a lot of cutting to get it back down to the right page length. Yeah, I would imagine so, but hey, that's a good thing.)

So good job with the cleanup. There's still more that needs to be done to perfect the look of your script. Since we last interacted, Industry Standard Format had changed, and now writers may have one OR two spaces above every Master Scene Heading. Both are acceptable, but you weren't consistent about the spacing. A few times you used one space. Also, you can't leave a Master Scene Heading sitting at the bottom of a page. Your title should be only 12 pt. Courier Font and in CAPS. Avoid the space between the first and second line and get rid of the period. We don't put periods in titles. I would also take off "Draft 9" and "2005." Over time, it'll date your script and you don't want anyone thinking that they're reading an old script. You neglected to write my FAVORITE part of a screenplay - "FADE IN:". Don't put a page number on page 1. Don't put dialogue in bold or italics. Underscore for emphasis, but even then, it wouldn't be necessary in this script, at least I don't think so, because most of the time, it's quite easy to get without the hand-holding of underscored words what the emphasis would be. All the words you put in bold and italics in the action lines aren't necessary either. The margins are off, and I was very specific about this last time. The left margin should be 1.5 inches. The character names were staggered all over the page. They should be lined up and 3.7 inches from the left edge. "Hannah's Bedroom in Scotland" is a bad Master Scene Heading. Was the bedroom we saw her in on page 3 in Scotland? Why didn't you establish that the first time we saw this bedroom? You can't say "IN SCOTLAND" in a heading either. If all we're looking at is the interior of a bedroom, how are we supposed to know that it's in Scotland? Either do an establishing shot of some kind to help us understand where we are, Super the words, or don't worry about it. Make sure you write out the numbers in dialogue. There are quite a few other things in my notes below.

Okay, let's talk story. FINALLY!

Hehehe...

Let's first talk about Jonah and his motivation for going to Scotland. I don't believe that anyone in today's world would be THAT concerned about something they would perceive as a fake photograph. Like Sam's reaction, everyone who would look at it would assume it's a joke because of Jonah's notoriety as an alien myth-busting author. So there would be no reason to go to such trouble to disprove something no one would believe in the first place. Fake photographs concerning well known people is the price of fame. He tells Hannah in their first of many long conversations, "I'm here to find out how you and I had our picture taken with aliens?" Yeah, it's called Photoshop. The fact that Jonah goes to Ireland and asks these questions is for no other reason than the fact that a weak plot forced him to do so. It's not like you established beforehand characteristics in Jonah, like extreme paranoia or self doubt about his public position about aliens, that would sell the idea that he's going because it's part of his character. And I didn't care at all about Jonah after reading the scene with him and Sam in the bar, which started on page 8, and Jonah's making these obnoxious, immature comments like "Which part of I haven't a freaking clue don't you understand?" and the sarcastic "I know?" He also came across as a bumbling idiot when he said, "I stupidly sent one to a friend in the NSA and now they're going to look for me wherever I go, aren't they?" By this point, page 10, I (and I'm sure many readers) would've put down the script. It's hard to care about Jonah's plight when he basically made his own bed. If all of these things happened and Jonah was a victim of circumstance, then you could root for him to get out of this mess.

There was an attempt here to design to create a contradiction somewhat in Jonah by making him an alien mythbusting writer who secretly believes or wants to believe in aliens. This just wasn't exploited to my satisfaction. Why does he have this conflict? What are the circumstances that made him this way? What is it that he wants and what is it that he really needs? And it's his needs that should be driving this story forward, not this passive guy who shows up in Ireland and gets a tour guide of events beyond his control. I had recently posted an article on inner conflict on my blog, and I really loved this quote from Caro Clark:

“A character's inner conflict is not just being in two minds about something, not just being torn between obvious incompatibles (“I want to be a priest, and yet I love her”) but is about being in a new situation where old attitudes and habits war with and hinder the need for change. For instance, a man who drives himself to succeed because he doesn't want to be like his happy-go-lucky father is suddenly confronted with a situation where he isn't winning. Or an executive discovers that her ambition to be vice president of her company is being thwarted by her own self-doubt. This war inside each of your characters makes them act and react in complex ways.

“You show these internal conflicts not by means of internal dialogue (which is a cop-out and is dull), but by showing your characters responding to their own inner compulsions. She, for instance, decides to confront her own self-doubts by taking on a no-win project where the local people are opposing a development. She is determined to be hard-nosed, prove she's vice-president material. He is always confrontational, fearing that one minute of negotiation would be the first step to becoming a wimp like his father. You have a grade-A opposites-attract situation here, yet it is believable because we understand why each of them is acting the way they do, why they are foolishly stubborn, by it's important for each of them to win.”

Hope that makes sense.

I was also puzzled by the way Jonah and Sam quickly figured out that they should be concerned about the NSA knowing about this seemingly fake photograph of Jonah. And also that they should try to get away from the NSA whenever they show up.

Sam was a waste of a character, regrettably. She was not only Jonah's agent but also his lover. We see her help Jonah get away from the NSA on page 13, and we never see her again. What's up with that? What happened to their relationship?

The other big problem here, for me at least, is that there just isn't enough story to keep this spec moving along and compelling scene by scene. Once Jonah makes it to Ireland, he becomes the quintessential passive protagonist. Everything is pretty much arranged for him, he is shown things, he is told things, he marvels at what he sees, information is given to him in small doses, and he fails to make any real decisions that push the plot forward (only one decision, really, by agreeing to this huge "favour"), and that's it. As a result, there's very little tension throughout, no sense of a rising conflict. The ending was especially disappointing because Jonah didn't really DO anything to resolve a confront with their antagonists. All the excessive talk between Jonah and Hannah was wearisome because it rarely pushed the story forward. Scenes like the ones where they spent time at that library soaking up the knowledge of the world was neat as an idea but boring for a movie because there wasn't any dire need for them to be there. They weren't there to study something in order to resolve an escalating conflict. There were there just... because. Sydney Pollock would always complain about his scripts not having enough "story" because he was worried about losing his audience and he wanted to make sure his films were consistently compelling scene by scene. Just imagine having to sit down with a pro reader, studio exec, or even (God help you) Sydney Pollock and you have to explain and DEFEND every single scene you've written.

Other random thoughts:

- The dialogue was also a pretty weak element. Everything, and I mean everything that is said here is utterly on-the-nose and/or full of dry exposition. You need to redesign the way you approach and execute dialogue.

- Some people are going to wonder what the NSA is. I assume you're referring to the National Security Agency. Not everyone's going to know that. You need to find a way to define it for them.

- Page 20 - Why would the NSA hold up a cab driver at gunpoint to find out where he took Jonah? Please. With today's security, they would've known he boarded a plane out of the country and didn't need to stick up a cab driver.

- You needed to find other ways than TALK to convey their Jonah and Hannah's growing feelings for each other.

- There were a lot of transitions, watching Jonah pack, the long 4 pages of watching Jonah go from JFK to Ireland, etc, that slowed down the story. You should have enough things going on that you don't have time to watch transitions like that.

I hope these thoughts prove helpful. I'm going to bed. Good-night!

-MM

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Title Page - Your title should be only 12 pt. Courier Font and in CAPS. Avoid the space between the first and second line and get rid of the period. We don't put periods in titles. I would also take off the "2005." Over time, it'll date your script and you don't want anyone thinking that they're reading an old script. Pg 1 - Do not put a page number on page 1. Where's FADE IN:? That's my favorite part of a script! The dialogue still looks just a tad wide. It should be no more than 3.5 inches, although a lot of writers keep their dialogue at only one inch. Men and Women don't need to be in caps. They're not significant. Don't put dialogue in italics. Instead of the archaic "Jonah is sat in front of," just write "Behind Jonah is". All the information about what's on the post probably takes up too much space on the page. Instead of a sub heading on a board, why not show us his attitude about alien intelligence with an offhand comment to one of his fans? Couldn't we get that sense some other way without having to read it? Doesn't the title say enough? If he's debunking the "myth" of alien intelligence, why does he tell "Harry" to always keep an open mind? Pg 2 - Should be "INT./EXT. SAM'S CAR - DAY". You need the period after INT and how can it be "IN SAM'S CAR" if you have "EXT." in the heading? What's the AC joke about? It wasn't really funny and I'm not sure it served a purpose in the overall story, because that sounds like a setup for some kind of payoff. Why do we need to hear Sam explain the radio gig? Why not just cut to an interior of the radio studio and we see a sign behind Jonah for WZZZ? Wouldn't a visual of "ZZZ" be funnier? Pg 3 - Just say "JONAH'S LOFT". This scene with Hannah was too short. We've should've seen more happen here. Bottom of page - you should never have a Master Scene Heading at the bottom of the page like that. It should be moved over to the top of the next page. Do NOT describe "the shot." Just say that he walks into the bathroom and starts to shower. Pg 4 - Was the little green men comment from Jonah supposed to be funny? Or was he rude and that didn't go over well? It really wasn't funny. Okay, what's the point of this scene with Letterman? What did you establish that we didn't already know about Jonah, which was the fact that he debunks myths about little green men? You already established that in the first scene. Pg 5 - Don't reference close ups. Treat the phone as an insert or just write, "On the phone - a private number." The intercutting with Hannah is very awkward. You can't get into her story because we're not spending enough time with her. The scenes with her need to be longer in order to suck us in to her world. You need the period after "INT." in the "INT./EXT." heading. Pg 6 - This spacing for Jonah's dialogue is all wrong. Just keep it all together in one paragraph. Make the heading "JONAH'S APARTMENT'. It's confusing when you keep it very general like that. When we watch Jonah work on his computer, you should treat it like an INSERT:

ON COMPUTER

A window shows that there are two files on the memory stick...

BACK TO SCENE

Jonah smiles...

You don't need to have Jonah say "How do I know it's a fake?" You can trust the audience to understand that "Because I'm in it" is an answer to the question "How do you know it's fake?" Some people are going to wonder what the NSA is. I assume you're referring to the National Security Agency. Not everyone's going to know that. You need to find a way to define it for them. Pg 7 - Don't italicize or put in bold words in dialogue. Another imprint? You mean they're printing more books? That's not an imprint. Pg 8 - "It seems they are" is a bit obvious, isn't it? The scene between Jack and Hanrahan was pretty weak. I wasn't buying any of those lines. "Long time no see" is way too obvious as exposition goes. It'd be more interesting if he just looks at her and we can see on his face that he recognizes her and then denies it. As it is, it's all too straightforward. At the bar, just say that Sam nurses a Manhattan. Jonah enters. We don't need to be told that she's waiting for Jonah. Pg 9 - "Which part of I haven't a freaking clue don't you understand?" is rude and undermines your protag's credibility. Pg 10 - Wait, I spoke too soon. This bit about him stupidly sending this photo to a friend in the NSA is a very bad approach. You can't have a Master Scene Heading at the bottom of a page like this. Pg 11 - You have an extra space after his mobile rings. What was the point of watching Jonah pack his bag? Why not cut to the scene with him on the lift? Pg 13 - "Hannah's Bedroom in Scotland" is a bad Master Scene Heading. Was the bedroom we saw her in on page 3 in Scotland? Why didn't establish that the first time we saw the bedroom? You can't say "IN SCOTLAND" in a heading. If all we're looking at is the interior of a bedroom, how are we supposed to know that it's in Scotland? Either do an establishing shot of some kind to help us understand that it's in Scotland, Super the words, or don't worry about it. Pg 14 - The moment with the Custom's Officer was fun. Parentheticals should be enclosed in ( ) not [ ]. At the same time, what purpose did it serve? It's actually expendable. Now if you were to have a motif throughout the script with the Custom's Official, then it might be more necessary to the story. Otherwise, this probably wouldn't make it into a film. Pg 15 - What's the point of the cabbie scene? Scenes like this one and the previous one with the Customs Official tell me that you're feeling your way through your story without a plan, which is why it's dragging here. Pg 16 - No need for the Master Scene Heading at the top of this page. You have to name your montage: MONTAGE - TRAIN TRIP. And if you're doing a montage, don't write "Series of long shots." A SERIES OF SHOTS is something entirely different. And just incorporate the shots of the castle with the montage, although I'm not convinced you need establishing shots here. Why do we have to watch such a long transition from America to Ireland? Pg 17 - This plot is way too thin. Obviously, she knows who he is. How did Jonah figure out the photos were real just because the NSA showed up to ask him some questions about the photo after he sent it to them. How does the fact that he wrote a book on Crop Circles tell the audience that he has a need to "find out the truth?" Pg 18 - This sinks into melodrama because there is, in reality, very little at stake. Pg 19 - Cut "and say..." Obviously, he's saying something because we can see the line of dialogue. Pg 20 - Why would they hold up a cab driver at gunpoint to find out where he took Jonah? Please. With today's security, they would've known he boarded a plane out of the country and didn't need to stick up a cab driver. Pg 22 - The character names are staggered all over the page. They should be lined up. Pg 23 - Instead of you forcing us to watch them talk about cave drawings, you should be showing those drawings to us. Pg 24 - If we are inside Hannah's Ford, then write "INT. HANNAH'S FORD". Pg 29 - You have a run-on sentence with "I did stupid things it's allowed." You've given us way, way, WAY too much talk between Jonah and Hannah. Pg 31 - This scene where Jonah faints just isn't funny. It's anticlimactic to just bring him home with a bunch of on-the-nose exposition first, and then just show the aliens. Pg 35 - Just write "ABANDONED LIBRARY". The fact that it's "dusty" would usually be and already is noted in the action lines. Bottom of page - you have "knowledge cannot to save us now." Pg 36 - Their recruitment of Jonah comes awfully late into this film. You've got a run-on sentence here: "A man in S.W.A.T. gear approaches he is JONES and has a Scottish accent." Just write, "JONES, a man in S.W.A.T. gear approaches. He has a Scottish accent." Pg 37 - What's going on here? You've got a huge amount of space at the bottom of the page. Pg 38 - You have another run-on sentence, which should be written like this: "But the knees is not the end. Did they manage to save it?" Note the question mark. Too much talk on this page. Pg 39 - top - too preachy. Pg 42 - Jonah's wimpish behavior here after being clocked by Hannah makes him more of a buffoon than someone to root for. Pg 43 - Hanrahan and Hannah look too similar. Need a comma and a question mark: "Jack, was all this really necessary?" Come on, man. Pg 44 - You have to write out the numbers in your dialogue - "thirty-five thousand" & "Area Fifty-One." Pg 45 - Small Room need only be a SECONDARY HEADING. Pg 52 - Write "MONTAGE - PREPARATION", don't say "short scenes". Pg 53 - You need a question mark - "You mean the military going along?" Only use one exclamation point in dialogue. Pg 56 - Overreacting is one word. Pg 58 - "Jack is stood in front of about 100 men" is very weak writing. Why can't you just write, "Jack stands?" You misspelled "people" as "". Pg 59 - "Fade to Black" should be flushed all the way to the right. Pg 59 - Why should we have to listen to words of exposition about them being cloaked? Why not show that? WAY too much talk here. Pg 60 - WAY too much talk here, too. Pg 61 - "After all you have done, name it." He hasn't DONE anything. Pg 65 - Just write, like an INSERT, "ON JONAH'S SCREEN" and then "BACK TO SCENE" when we cut back to the face of Jonah. The headings should look like this "JONAH (O.C.)" You have an extra space above the "Jonah, frowns" paragraph. By the way, you didn't need that comma after Jonah. Pg 67 - All this small talk here about their quarters is unnecessary. Don't do this as an ellipsis "killing us... ...Jonah, I have no idea;" Just write "killing us... Jonah, I have no idea." What's the point of these scenes? Pg 68 - All this talk is killing me. You also have WAY too much space at the bottom of these pages. Pg 69 - The dashes in the montage should be flushed to the left. You need a space after the second dash. Pg 70 - "I wanna go home" is supposed to be a question? How can that be a question? Pg 71 - You can't have "LARGE DOOR" as an INTERIOR Master Scene Heading. You have a run-on sentence with "I'm a woman we don't go back." Come on, man. As Headings go it's either "LATER" or "DAY", not "- LATER - DAY". "It is sat on" is very poor grammar. Pg 75 - This bit about Hannah being pregnant feels as if it was just thrown in because you've run out of story. Pg 77 - eighty five to ninety percent should be WRITTEN OUT. Pg 79 - WAY too much talk. By this point, in a sci fi movie, we should be seeing some action. Not only that, these scenes fail to PUSH the story forward in some substantive way. Pg 85 - Should've been "Were you ever" instead of "Where you ever". Pg 87 - What is this business with Hannah's lines? Why do you have her speaking twice in a row at the top of the page? Pg 88 - "Jonah? What an odd thing to say?" Those aren't questions, are they? You use question marks when you shouldn't and you fail to use them when you should. Pg 89 - WAY too much exposition. Pg 91 - The dialogue is way too wide here. Pg 92 - Bottom - Your action paragraphs should be 4 lines or fewer. News anchor didn't need to be in caps. Pg 93 - You need a dash in "ROADSIDE - DAY". Pg 95 - Your spacing is inconsistent above the Master Scene Headings. You have two spaces above the Hillside heading and one space above the Highland Road heading. Either is acceptable now, but you have to be consistent. Pg 100 - You have an extra space above "The man elbows" paragraph. Pg 103 - Cut "THE END." Just write at the end, "FADE OUT." which is flushed all the way to the right.

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